As a caregiver, I know it can be disheartening when my loved one has a good day, only to be followed by a challenging one the next day. As a neurologist once told me, neurological recovery is not linear; it can sometimes resemble a dance of one step forward and two steps back. That’s why pacing ourselves and our loved one’s activities is so important. Overplanning and overdoing can come at a significant cost. Here are some tips I use to manage my own energy and my loved one’s energy.

1
Plan, revise, and plan again. I try to keep a calendar of my loved one’s appointments and my own together. If I know that I have to be up early for my appointment, I try to schedule their appointments later in the day or, preferably, on another day. This ensures sufficient time and energy to complete them without undue strain or fatigue for either of us.
2
Schedule EVERYTHING as an appointment. This means that if a friend wants to visit, it should be treated like an appointment that goes on my calendar. Our dear friends know it’s best to text or call us before dropping by, as they never know if we will be engaged in self-care or home healthcare appointments. Avoiding double-booking helps me minimize extra stress.
3
Pace yourself and your loved one. Keep higher-energy activities, such as showering, doctor’s appointments, or trips to the park, spaced out throughout your week. Everything that a person recovering from or living with a chronic illness does takes more energy than it would for someone who is able-bodied. Read this brilliant essay by Christine Miserandino on “Spoon Theory” — it will provide you with insight into living with chronic illness and the need to conserve your energy. Read Spoon Theory →
4
Take a Day of Rest. Schedule downtime for yourself and your loved one. Spending one afternoon per week resting in our den has become a cherished ritual. We don’t have guests, and we don’t plan any activities. It is our day to just “be” with each other. This is a spiritual practice in many religions, and having a day of rest is wise. It allows both of you to recharge and reconnect without outside distractions or activities.
5
Just say no sometimes. Remember, it’s okay to say no or cancel an appointment if your loved one or you are having a low-energy day. Caregiving can be taxing, and recovering from an illness or living with dementia is also challenging for our loved ones. As caregivers, we risk becoming less patient and loving if we push ourselves beyond our limits.

Through my experiences, I’ve found that planning, pacing, and incorporating a little built-in downtime each week really help me maintain my peace of mind. This way, I can be more present for my loved one. While planning is essential, remember the value of self-love — don’t hesitate to cancel or say no if you’re unsure whether you or your loved one can go through with things comfortably. Trust me, you’ll be grateful you did. Take care of yourself; you deserve it!

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